April 18, 2009

E.T.'s Love Child

I am at a loss for words...

Posted by thom at 09:23 AM | Comments (0)

February 15, 2009

Questions I Never Thought To Ask

"What do you do with a '71 Chevette?"

And the crowd goes wild...

Posted by thom at 05:44 PM | Comments (0)

January 01, 2009


A Love Story...

Posted by thom at 12:48 AM | Comments (0)

August 13, 2007

The Perils of Love

Posted by thom at 02:38 PM | Comments (0)

July 23, 2007

Oh, Monsieur!!!

"That guy needs a hug..."

It sounds a lot like the Wilhelm scream. Listen.

Posted by thom at 08:23 PM | Comments (0)

July 18, 2007

Leeloo Dallas Multipass

Just saw this article today about how The Fifth Element is one of the best sci-fi movies of all time and I have to agree. It leaves out two of my fave scenes though.

The first is when Korben Dallas is at the check-in to the flight to Fhloston Paradise explaining that he and Leeloo are newly weds and Leeloo is babbling about her about her multipass. Korben final shouts, "YEAH! She KNOWS it's a multipass!!! Anyway, we're in love..." The timing of the line is perfect and I can't do it justice here, you'll just have to watch it.

Posted by thom at 11:38 AM | Comments (0)

July 13, 2007

A Manson and a Yacht

I just stumbled across this old internet story...

FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?

Agent: I have my check book right here.

Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza man: I don't think so.

Turns out it is true.

Posted by thom at 06:58 PM | Comments (0)

July 07, 2007

Fun With Balloons

More fun...

Posted by thom at 10:49 AM | Comments (0)

July 01, 2007

Silly Animal Day

Posted by thom at 06:25 PM | Comments (0)

June 09, 2007

Iggy Pop just might be God

Decades ago I found a note blowing around a parking lot that ended with "p.s. Iggy Pop just might be God". I'm still not sure about his divinity, but his band certainly has a good sense of humor...

Posted by thom at 11:17 AM | Comments (0)

April 06, 2007

Kids and Monsters

Posted by thom at 11:50 AM | Comments (0)

November 24, 2006

Thanksgiving Turkey Drop

Posted by thom at 10:21 AM | Comments (0)

August 30, 2006

Fabulous New Technology

Telemarketers. Don't you just wish you could waste their time without having to waste your time? Well, due to a technological breakthru, now you can! But you say, "How do I get myself one of these gadgets?" Luckily for you all you have to do is download The Telecrapper 2000. No salesmen will call.

Be sure to listen to the examples!

Posted by thom at 01:02 AM | Comments (0)

August 28, 2006

The Upside of Insomnia

I just couldn't let myself rest until I posted for your enjoyment a video of a baby panda sneezing. Now my work here is done.

Posted by thom at 03:51 AM | Comments (0)

August 10, 2006

Math Jokes

Posted by thom at 11:42 PM | Comments (0)

April 25, 2006

Hawaii Five-O

Book 'em, Danno

I sincerely apologize for posting this link.

Hmmm, since I have already apologized you might not to watch this either. Avoid this one completely.

Finally, be careful! The electrons know you're watching!

Posted by thom at 12:14 AM | Comments (0)

April 20, 2006

Bad Places to Stand

I hope this guy went out and bought himself a lottery ticket right after this experience.

Posted by thom at 11:55 PM | Comments (0)

Student Body (Vice) President

A note to student body presidents everywhere: Relax man, it's a JOKE!

Posted by thom at 12:59 AM | Comments (0)

April 13, 2006

The Great Oracles of Our Time

theOnion was the first great seer of the new Millenium. And now MAD Magazine....

In our crass, vulgar society, product placement is everywhere.  So what's keeping the federal government from selling out The Pledge of Allegiance?

Sure, it goes against everything our country was founded on — but, more importantly, if we list a bunch of products in the pledge, it'd make us a ton of money! Here's what you can expect...

iPod Allegra, Tootsie Fab, Fuji United Franco-American,

Banana Republic, Ford Chicklets Vans,

One Nathan's, Wonder BOD,

Disney Vagisil,

Wisk Listerine, Ban Jergens, Hormel.

Posted by thom at 11:20 PM | Comments (0)

March 22, 2006

Free Entertainment

I want a magic wand too. And a SPACE SHIP!!!

p.s. Oooh, pretty.

Posted by thom at 12:10 AM | Comments (0)

February 18, 2006

tink, plunk, brrrr

A very cute computer animation with a bittersweet ending.

Posted by thom at 08:02 PM | Comments (0)

January 07, 2006


Are you comfortable? The film maker has some other fun shorts too.

Posted by thom at 12:34 AM | Comments (0)

November 03, 2005

Bouncy Balls

Ever wonder what it would look like if you took a million superballs and bounced them down a city street? Now you know.

Posted by thom at 10:35 AM | Comments (0)

July 23, 2005

Hot NASCAR Haters

New googlemaps application: HotOrNot + Google Maps. Which led me to the funniest HotOrNot profile I can recall:

Man I hate NASCAR. And while I'm at it, here's a quick open letter to the NASCAR community: quit writing poetry about Dale Earnhardt. Nobody cares. And no, it wasn't NASCAR's fault for not making the tracks wide enough; the wall won, get over it.
Posted by thom at 06:37 PM | Comments (0)

May 23, 2005

Stunt City

Stuntmen live a different sort of life — even commuting to work is exciting.

In other news: Ooooo, pretty!

Posted by thom at 05:14 PM | Comments (0)

February 07, 2005

Late Night Nerd Humor

At 2:48am the following exchange occurred on the freenet #lisp irc channel:

gone_b: how is 64 bytes a multiple of 8k?
mvilleneuve: it is, for sufficiently high values of 64

I just wonder if this will still seem funny in the morning. Probably not, but that's life.

The other night I dreamt I stole some donuts. I didn't really steal them per se since they were complementary, but I took more than I should have and felt guilty. They were very yummy and I didn't feel so guilty after eating them. Hopefully I can get to sleep tonight before sunrise. Maybe I will dream of hovercraft again.

Posted by thom at 02:59 AM | Comments (0)

January 28, 2005


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,"That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Spotted on Digital Common Sense.

Posted by thom at 11:33 AM | Comments (0)

October 03, 2004

Chocolypse Now

The only good oompa-loompa is a dead oompa-loompa.

Posted by thom at 02:05 PM | Comments (0)

September 29, 2004

What's Not To Love?

A story from Erin, my favorite Malcontent:

T's son has discovered that he has a penis, and she shared the story with us. Apparantly one day he walked into the living room, stark naked as children tend to be, pointing at his penis. "Mommy? What's this?"

"Well, son," she replied, "that's your penis."

He then grabbed hold of it, grinned, and said, "I loooove it."

This poor child is probably going to have this story told to every girl he brings home from school for the rest of his young life.

Posted by thom at 11:53 AM | Comments (1)

September 26, 2004


Mark your calendars, girls!

On Sunday, October 17, the Daily News will publish a special feature showcasing a new line of women’s designer clothing created by internationally known celebrity, model and actor Fabio. Under the distinctive label “Fabio,” this colorful new line of coats, sweaters and jackets will be introduced and carried exclusively at Sam’s Club beginning in October.

To celebrate Fabio is having a contest!!! Fabio is "looking for 3-5 females ranging in age from approximately 17 to 45 to model Fabio’s fashions" so I guess I am disqualified. Winners will get to have lunch with Fabio. I advise all potential Special Ladies out there to hold out for dinner and a movie, at the very least.

Posted by thom at 12:33 AM | Comments (0)

September 10, 2004

World's Most Adorable Quadruped

What's blue and red, wears four shoes, and is the cutest thing you ever did see? You only need to download a 13 megabyte quicktime movie to find out!

Late Night Update: For your home movie fun I've just uploaded Destroy All Bubbles. And yes, it makes you a film nerd if you try to spot all the continuity errors.

Posted by thom at 12:23 AM | Comments (0)

July 30, 2004

Fido's Broken Heart

There is probably nothing more painful than canine infidelity. Well, for a dog. I thought the ad was funny, but was disappointed fido doesn't find a new love in the end.

While on the subject of commercials, here's one that encourages men to take up ballet.

Posted by thom at 09:45 AM | Comments (1)

July 23, 2004

Poor Gori-chan

Have you ever wondered if the creative juices of "reality" TV producers might be running dry? Fear not! The fountain of creative juices (or at least precious bodily fluids) still, um, spurteth over. The good news for busy potential fathers is that entering the race only takes a few minutes.

Grossed out yet? No?! Well, then the woes of sexually molested Tokyo pet owners should do the trick. I don't know about the average Tokyo-ite but "when an adult dog grabs hold of a human leg, [and] starts moving its back in a piston motion..." I think it's time for a trip to the vet.

Posted by thom at 06:08 PM | Comments (1)

July 09, 2004

Winnebago Pitchman

Having a bad day? Probably not as bad as this guy. Don't disturb what's left of his brain!

Posted by thom at 02:09 AM | Comments (1)

July 02, 2004

Sex & Math

I was checking my log files (yes, at midnight... my life is boring) and found I got a hit on a search for "sex and math". A quick check on Google uncovered this gem:

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Here's another cute joke which has nothing to do with math. Actually, that's not entirely true.

Posted by thom at 12:42 AM | Comments (0)

June 09, 2004

Suddenly I am Very Thirsty

Posted by thom at 10:09 AM | Comments (1)

May 06, 2004

Viva la Fifi!

Apparently I missed the 2004 Kinetic Sculpture Race that took place back on May 1st. I guess it is sort of like Baltimore's answer to San Francisco's Bay to Breakers — except with less nudity. The two funniest named entries where the Cirque de Sore Legs and a tribute to Franz Kafka's The Metamorphisis named La Kafkaracha. Apparently La Kafkaracha had some difficulties in the aquatic section of the race. It is unfortunate that Kafka's story wasn't about a man who turns into a large waterbug. The most asthetically pleasing entry, in my opinion, was simply called Fifi. The story doesn't mention where Fifi placed in the race but I'm sure the sight of a 10 foot tall pink poodle inspired fear in the hearts of all who saw it.

(spotted on slashdot)

(Is anyone going to correct my (probably horribly incorrect) french?)

Posted by thom at 05:24 PM | Comments (1)

April 07, 2004

Pop Culture

I sense a new dance craze a'coming. This dance drives the women wild too...

Posted by thom at 04:41 PM | Comments (0)

March 28, 2004

Why I Blog

My blog is a priceless historical document in the making.

Update: Blink?

Posted by thom at 03:02 PM | Comments (1)

March 25, 2004

Ya Ya... Ha ha...

Save the Pinatas! Justin will make fart noises for your viewing pleasure. In other news, I feel GREAT! If you're not bored yet then watch this and try not to yawn. Finally, BEER!!!

If you're driving down the highway and suddenly discover your brakes are out then simply summon your Giant Robot. If you're walking around and suddenly realize you've left your watch on your dresser back home then simply consult the INDUSTORIOUS CLOCK. I saw a movie featuring a character who had a tail, but now through the miracle of the internet you can see REAL people with tails (warning: it's kind of gross). Speaking of movies, unless CASSHERN is released in the USA with subtitles I will be forced to travel to Japan and learn japanese. Well, that is it for now. While I'm gone entertain yourself by surfing on over to flashcube where I found almost all these links...

Posted by thom at 10:14 PM | Comments (1)

March 18, 2004

An Ode to Swearing

My personal favorite from the bunch: Buggeration. (Warning, this is not work-safe)

Posted by thom at 09:22 AM | Comments (0)

March 12, 2004

Farm Animal Porn

I was disappointed when my favorite farm animal porn site went legit, but I found a new site that features teddy bears, used motor oil, autoerotic asphyxiation, and ponies! I present to you: Farm Sluts.

Posted by thom at 05:00 PM | Comments (1)

Scary Movies

The Exorcist was a very scary movie. It would have been even scarier if it had been about possessed bunnies with huge white fangs!

For an intimate insight into the female mind don't miss Amy's Dairy.

Posted by thom at 12:33 AM | Comments (0)

March 10, 2004

Fresh off the Griddle

I want blueberries in mine! Go see them all!

Posted by thom at 03:29 PM | Comments (0)

March 06, 2004

The Golden Age of Oxymorons

A few months ago I heard a talking head on TV utter what I thought was a pretty funny oxymoron. The phrase he used was "Jobless Recovery" which was funny since I thought a ecomonic recovery was all about jobs. So I Googled "jobless recovery" only to discover economists didn't think it was an oxymoron — they used the term all the time! Over forty-five thousand times according to google. The term was invented to describe the sluggish recovery back during the early 90's.

But these are different times. Things are much better now. So much better that someone decided to invent a new term to describe how good things are. The new term to describe what we are experiencing is "Jobless Prosperity". Apparently we are all going to prosper without jobs! Maybe they mean only some people wil be jobless or maybe only some people will prosper. Maybe they mean both — I don't know, I'll have to do some more research on that one. In the meantime, call me a cynic, but I'm still going in for my interview for that new manufacturing job next week.

Posted by thom at 10:16 AM | Comments (0)

February 28, 2004


"Perhaps the most insidious single group of publications is the cheap pocket book. In page after page of these so called novels sex organs, positions of intercourse, abnormal sex practices of every kind are described with intimate physical detail. Nothing is left to the imagination. An invitation is even extended to the reader to come join the fun! Teenagers particularly are liable to fold down the corners of the obscene passages. The more readily to dwell on them over and over and over again." You'll have to excuse me now. I need to, um, go do some me some reading.

While I'm gone you can download part 1 and part 2 of "Perversion for Profit".

Be sure to check out their archives of the SIGGRAPH Electronic Theatre!

Posted by thom at 10:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 05, 2004

Intercessions by Agitation

Or should it be Intercession by Agitations? Either way, the Internet Anagram Server* is fun!!!

Posted by thom at 01:27 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

January 26, 2004

Afternoon Quickie

The IKEA walk-thru for video gamers:

You start this world armed only with a UNIVERSAL FURNITURE-ASSEMBLY ALLEN WRENCH. This is the weakest weapon in IKEA: You will have to hit a person 16 times with it to kill them. So your primary goal in this level is to find more lethal means of dispatching your enemies.

As you enter the SHOWROOM, perform a rolling dodge to the left. Grab a free PAPER TAPE MEASURE and a handful of IKEA EMBLAZONED GOLF PENCILS from the kiosk near the entryway. The PENCILS serve quite well as ranged weapons, but it will take some time to master their use. Before venturing further in the world, stand at the kiosk and practice hurling GOLF PENCILS at patrons as they enter the SHOWROOM. Remember: Hitting the eyes does triple damage.

Oh yes, don't miss the Ping-Pong Ball Avalanche (320,000 ping pong balls!)

Posted by thom at 02:26 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 23, 2004

Eat Me

Something about this next link seems appropriate to post at 1am, even though it technically falls into the catagory of Afternoon Delights.

Posted by thom at 01:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 22, 2004

Random Silliness

paulthomorbirson.org -- "It always starts the same way..."

iPaulothom.org -- Wilhelm's Revenge

Posted by thom at 03:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 18, 2004

Carnac the Magnificent Blogs

"I hope not."

Posted by thom at 03:57 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 17, 2004

Silly Putty Man

Anybody want to help me buy some silly putty in bulk? Before dividing it up I figured I could sculpt a life-sized Silly Putty Man. E-mail me if you're interested.

In other news: Eric (who is no freak from a menagerie) has shared the joy of finding a where's george'ed dollar [SERIAL NUMBER A67774267B SERIES 2001]. The bill apparently started it's journey at the "WORLD FAMOUS" (but not net savvy) Stone Lion Tavern, the best dive bar in the free world. Eric, being only half a bee, was unable to enter the bill's new iinformation into the database (although strangely he was able to enter a comment here at iba). Despite this, I still love him semi-carnally.

Posted by thom at 04:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 13, 2004

Kind of... a Bummer

defaultIt started when I tracked down this song that I had heard a few weeks before. That was when I learned that it was inspired by Ellen Feiss who had given a testimonial as part of Apple Computer's switch ad campaign. People loved Ellen's story and, since this is the internet, fan sites immediately sprang up all over the place. There was also a rumor that she might have sparked one up beforehand. But it wasn't ganja she was on, it was Benedryl. There are some pretty funny parodies floating around. Ellen was invited to the Letterman show but turned it down. I was looking forward to seeing her being interviewed by Dave but I guess it'll never be. It is, as Ellen says, "kind of... a bummer."

UPDATE: It looks like Bill Gates did an iSwitch ad too!

Posted by thom at 01:30 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

January 11, 2004

Spelling Regrets

If only "interesting" was spelled with a 'Q' or a 'Z'...

My Scrabble© Score is: 32.
Posted by thom at 11:38 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

January 06, 2004

Job Outlook: COLD!!!

From: "ahadig"
Date: Mon Jan 5, 2004 10:50:25 AM US/Pacific
To: rmiug-jobs@yahoogroups.com
Subject: Open position

This is a contract position, with benefits, located overseas. Our headquarters are in Centennial, Colorado. Please apply only if you are qualified.

Supervise up to 3 persons. Establish the work schedules, ensure proper tools and equipment are available, ensure safety and station policies are met. Perform Structured Premises Cabling effort toinclude: Entrance facilities, backbone, horizontal, work areas, equipment rooms, telecommunications rooms, cross-connects-main, intermediate, horizontal. Pull CAT5E, install connectors, test and document. Pull fiber optic cable, install connectors, test and document. Pull coax, install conectors, test and document. Install low voltage components, ground and test in accordance with the National Electrical Code. Splice cable. Perform fire stopping activities as requiredd. Install patch panels. Perform other duties as required.

Required Skills: BICSI certification

Special Work Environment:
PHYSICAL AND / OR OTHER SPECIFIC REQUIREMENTS: Deployment may be required in this position at discretion of management. If required, the individual in the position must successfully complete the physical and dental examinations, and psychological examination for winter-over positions, as required by the NSF for deploying to Antarctica. Failure to meet these requirements may result in withdrawal of employment offer or other employment action. Complies with applicable safety, environment, health, and waste management policies and procedure. US citizenship or permanent residency required.

If you meet the requirements, please send your resume to gisso.welsh@usap.gov.

This is the perfect job if you love winter sports. I sent my resume to Mr Welsh before posting this. I'll post updates when I know more.

UPDATE: Despite my natural insulation and deep affinity for penguins I'm not really qualified for the position. It's a shame really - I hear Antarctica is a hedonist's paradise.

Posted by thom at 12:39 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

January 05, 2004

The Reverse Engineer, part deux

Sorry things here at iba have been so quiet but it's been more of a thinking kind of New Years than a writing kind of New Years.

I went to see Paycheck with my brother yesterday. I didn't have high expectations for the movie so I wasn't terribly disappointed when I walked out of the theater. The explosions were very good - the writing, directing, and acting were... well, let's just say if as much effort went into them as the explosions it would have been an excelent movie.

Before the movie came on I was looking at the ads they show on the screen. There was an anti-drug ad that said:

The basic ingredients for making methamphetamine can be purchased at local stores.

Don't support drug use!

I still can't figure out what the ad was trying to say. Was it saying that shopping at local, methamphetamine-ingredient-supplying stores promotes drug use? Does this make the local chamber of commerce drug lords?

Posted by thom at 06:46 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

December 31, 2003

The OTHER Tom Jones

Tom Jones was on the Leno New Years special tonight. Mom saw him and is convinced he isn't the Tom Jones she knows. It is impossible to sway her on this one - there is another Tom Jones "who is popular in Las Vegas" and the guy on Leno isn't him.

Posted by thom at 09:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 10, 2003

Owny Woo

Working in the tech biz these days means working with people from all over the world. People whose native tongue isn't english. People who are doing me a favor by learning my language in order to communicate. Thus I generally don't believe making fun of their accents is nice. But we're all human and sometimes it can be really, really funny. So today I will point my readers to Owny Woo. A double order of giggles smothered in date sauce.

Posted by thom at 11:27 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 07, 2003

A Coincidence in Dusseldorf

Roy Orbison walks inside my house and sits down on my couch. We talk urbanely of various issues of the day. Presently I say, 'Perhaps you would like to see my cling-film?'

'By all means.' I cannot see his eyes through his trademark dark glasses and I have no idea if he is merely being polite or if he genuinely has an interest in cling-film.

From the Odd Fetish of the Moment file I present Ulli's Roy Orbison In Clingfilm Website. Don't miss The Musical.

Posted by thom at 07:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 05, 2003

At Your Command, Baby!

My brother, Paul, really liked Battlestar Galactica [I would link to his entry about it but he doesn't believe in permalinks apparently. So I'll randomly link to this instead]. I did too since it was kinda like a new episode of Starwars every week (which was good since George Lucas has tried to stretch the series out over, well, my entire lifetime). He is also looking forward to the upcoming "re-imagining" of the series. I read this review tonight:

Creators of the Sci Fi Channel's forthcoming Battlestar Galactica miniseries promised that their "re-imagining" of the 1970s classic would be darker and grittier.

In Hollywood, that can only mean one thing: more sex.

"We realized the only way we could improve on the original is if the Cylons could have sex," quipped co-executive producer David Eick at Tuesday night's Los Angeles premiere. The chrome-domed "walking toasters" from the original TV series are succeeded by -- well, really hot blond chicks, who infiltrate human society to engineer its doom.

One of the newly humanized enemy androids, Number Six, is played by former Victoria's Secret model Tricia Helfer (so that's Victoria's big secret! -- we always knew there was a sinister purpose behind those ubiquitous catalogs). While in the throes of sex, her spine glows a luminescent, otherworldly, X-ray crimson.

I never found Cylons attractive in that way. If only I had known there were hot blonde aliens underneath all that chrome! [Maybe not - Ed.] I've already got the VCR programmed to record all the hot alien action.

UPDATE: Apparently the Starwars Universe is a hotbed of sexually active robots too.

Posted by thom at 12:13 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 03, 2003

The Thrill of Victory

I guess I missed this on ESPN but I just discovered tonight that the Trojan Games have just gotten underway over in the United Kingdom. I especially enjoyed the coverage (or lack thereof) of the Judo Semifinals. Everybody Wins! Female readers should note I am still searching for a Judo partner to begin training with for the next games.

If you are under 18 or easily offended you shouldn't click the above link and would best be served by pretending you never saw the previous paragraph. Instead, you should Click Here.

Posted by thom at 12:55 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 17, 2003

Puppies and Homemade Jerky

The other day I noticed someone had found my page with a strange search. It hit an old entry in my blog with some movie recommendations. Today I mentioned it to a friend and did a search on "Slutty Clown Groupie" only to discover Interesting by Association has captured yet another coveted first position in the google search results. Go me! Unfortunately, I also discovered someone else has the number one spot for "Slutty Clown Groupies" (the plural form). A different friend has suggested I try for the #1 spot on searches for "puppies AND homemade jerky" next. All I can say is: My Quest is begun.

Posted by thom at 11:32 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 07, 2003

Slutty Clown Groupies

Someone found my page while searching for "florence henderson naked". Yeah, right. Dream on, buddy.

Posted by thom at 03:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 23, 2003

Those Poor Deer!

I went to see Intolerable Cruelty today with my mom. After playing the trailers for the coming attractions they played an ad for Nextel mobile phones. It was the one where they describe building their national walkie-talkie service by attaching antennas to thousands (millions?) of deers' antlers and show images of frolicking deer complete with suitable radio gear. Halfway thru the ad I look over at mom and she has this very confused look on her face. I had to contain my laughter.

No, Mom, that's NOT how they did it.

Posted by thom at 07:11 PM | Comments (0)

October 17, 2003

My Secret Ambition

I found some random stuff that had collected dust on my palmtop that I wanted to clear out so I'm posting it here for posterity.

My secret ambition is to become the first U.S. President to do a stage dive at his inauguration.

One of my friends had this as the only question in a philosophy exam: "Is this a question." (notice the lack of a question mark).

My friend answered, "Yes, if this is an answer?"

He got the highest grade.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.

-- Howard Aiken quoted by Ken Iverson quoted by Jim Horning, 1979

by Tony Shepps on Saturday August 10
(User #333 Info | http://cellar.org/)

When I was a kid I went around with a clipboard, asking people who were visiting the local municipal pool, "Why?" as if it were a survey question.

  • About 40% answered "Why What?"
  • About 30% answered "Because."
  • About 20% answered "What?"

The rest either did not answer or became obstinate.

I also got rid of the day-glo colors for now. They might make a return at some point in the future. Do people care strongly one way or another?

Posted by thom at 01:20 AM | Comments (1)

October 14, 2003

Attack of the Hair Bunnies

I don't feel like writing today so I give you the following picture for your bemusement. Discuss amongst yourselves and come up with funny captions.

A Flock of Seagulls attacked my head

The morning after a bad Hair Gel binge

Posted by thom at 08:42 AM | Comments (9)

October 13, 2003

Flight of the Crayfish

When we were kids our dad got me and my brother into model rocketry. On weeknights he'd help us turn cardboard, balsa, and white glue into ships bound for the stars. On Saturday morning he'd take us out to Dribble Elementary School where the local rocketry club would help us launch them. It was loads of fun. Kids and rocketry go together like, um, well, a band of crazed monkeys with hammers and high explosives.

After a while simply launching rockets into the sky and running after them as they floated back to earth got kind of boring. Occasionally they would have egg-lofting contests where the objective was to launch an egg and recover it in one piece. Space exploration is a dangerous business (especially for an egg) and more often than not all the king's horse's and all the king's men couldn't help after the egg landed. Being kids we quickly lost interest. We wanted more - we wanted to launch a man into space like NASA did.

Unfortunately, the technology at hand (cardboard, balsa wood, and white glue) wasn't up to the task so we had to find an achievable goal. One Saturday watching wasps buzz around a trash can filled with empty soda cans we had an idea: We would be the first to launch a wasp into space. Heck, even he Russians launched a dog into space before attempting to send a human. This would be our Laika. Our stepping stone to even greater achievements.

Quickly a volunteer wasp was secured for the mission and we headed to the Range Safety Officer for launch clearance. He eyed the wasp in the rocket payload capsule not quite sure what to make of it. Finally he decided it didn't pose a hazard to anyone on the ground, saluted the brave wasp, and gave us the all clear.

On the pad the wasp waited patiently on the bottom of the capsule as we counted down to blast-off. 5... 4... 3... Suddenly, sensing something was amiss, the wasp started flying around the top of his capsule. 2... 1... IGNITION! The rocket rapidly accelerated and the wasp, flying around inside, didn't. He was quickly smushed against the bottom of the rocket. Laika the wasp never realized what hit him. The poor guy never even made it off the launch pad.

But we knew from NASA the important thing was to learn from these sorts of disasters. To pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and to try again. You can't let a setback set you back. We had failed to provide a proper life support system for our subject. It was a mistake that would not be repeated.

A few weeks later one of the kids showed up at the launch site with a crawfish in the nose of his rocket. The nose was filled with water for a crayfish life support system. Today the Range Safety Officer took a little longer to decide if he would let us attempt this one. He finally gave us the OK to launch but the expression on his face said, "This should be interesting."

With the rocket setup on the launch pad it was time to launch. The engine ignited properly and a bright flame licked against the pad. Burdened with the payload of crayfish and his watery life support system the rocket slowly, majestically, rose into the sky. The grace with which it moved reminded us all of the mighty Saturn V moon rocket. This was just like the real thing - it was to be our finest hour. "Houston, we have cleared the tower!" we all thought as it ascended off the pad. But only a few seconds later as we watched we realized, "Houston, we have a problem."

You see, balance is equally important as life support in rocketry and the water in the crayfish command module had thrown the rocket out-of-balance. Now, instead of flying straight up like a moon rocket it had assumed a trajectory more like that of a SCUD ground-to-ground missile. As the rocket reached its apogee we realized the mission was in trouble - it was heading straight for the chain-link fence at the edge of the school yard.

I don't want to describe the next few moments in detail, but the rocket did indeed hit the fence. Needless to say, both vehicle and crew were lost. We spent a few minutes on the grizzly task of recovering the bits of crayfish scattered at the foot of the fence. That was the end of the crayfish space program. We stuck to unmanned (uncrayfished?) flights after that. Still, being little boys and despite the tragic loss of life, we thought the whole experience was pretty cool. We had learned a lot. Well, not really but it was fun anyway.

UPDATE: Apparently our crayfish blazed a path for other crayfish to follow.

Posted by thom at 08:30 AM | Comments (4)

October 12, 2003

The Jesus of Sock Puppets

A search on Google for "Jesus" AND "Sock Puppet" returns about 1,530 results. This is a Great Moment for Interesting by Association because my web log is the #1 result for the search. It's odd that out of all the pages discussing Jesus and Sock Puppets that Google considders mine the most authoritative, but who am I to argue? I guess it's like they say: The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Posted by thom at 12:09 AM | Comments (2)

October 09, 2003

Fabio for Governor!!!

friend: I agree, so far I'd say you have a great taste in music but you could be listening to Celine Dion behind my back.

me: um... No... But I do own the Fabio CD (but only because I am a fan of unintentional self-parody)

I had heard samples of Fabio's album on the radio. It was bad. Really bad. Hysterically bad. I could almost see Fabio's voice coach cringing in the studio as I listened. I had to have it. I saw it in the bins at the record store - $17.95. Damn, maybe I didn't need it that bad.

I took a copy and carried it around the store as I decided exactly how bad I wanted it. Then I had an idea! Maybe they had a used copy cheap? I showed the manager the Fabio CD and asked if they had any in the used section. His reply:

"Oh no... We wouldn't buy that back."

Foiled! I sheepishly explained to him that I wasn't really a Fabio fan, I just thought it was funny but didn't really want to pay $17.95 for it. There was a brief pause as we both looked at Fabio's Mona Lisa smile on the cover of the album.

"How much do you want to pay?"

"Um, $12?"


In retrospect, I guess I probably could have talked him lower but I have no regrets (it's going for $20 used now). I walked out of the store with my new "Fabio: After Dark" CD and have never looked back.

Reviewer: Travis Miller from Shepherdstown, WV United States

Fabio (yes, that Fabio) stumbles through breathy soliloquies on romance, over an über-schmaltzy soft-porn beat that does not change throughout the entire CD. As if you hadn't guessed, his musings delve deep into the uncharted realms of corniness. No, seriously. However corny you're imagining it to be right now, think cornier. Nope, cornier than that. Nope, keep going. Now you're getting close.

Fabio's vision of romance sounds like the, uh, shower fantasies of the naive, overweight girl in high school that everyone threw food at in the cafeteria. Am I cruel for laughing at this? I hope not, because how can you NOT laugh at something like this excerpt from "Fabio on Films":

"I lahk to take a special lady to de cinema, where we can hold hands in the dark, and whisper very quietly about what we see. I wonder, would she kiss me like that? Will I always be the hero of her life? I wish there were more romantic films, because romantic films can lead to beautiful adventures ahfter we leef de theatre."

(don't forget the accent and the generic porn music, and the fact that Fabio takes a full minute and a half to luxuriously hamfist his way through these four sentences)

It's all such a ghastly car-accident of an album that it transcends into genius. It would make a great ironic gift for someone who appreciates that sort of thing.

Fabio's Amazon.com Sales Rank: 241,821

Posted by thom at 11:35 PM | Comments (4)

October 08, 2003

Election Humor

I forgot to blog this and this the other day when I saw them. Click and prepare to laugh. If no laughter ensues then loosen up already!

Posted by thom at 11:46 PM | Comments (0)

I am Minty Freshness

A while back I bought a pack of Certs (with Retsin!) At some point I was bored enough to read the ingredients: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Partially Hydrogenated Cottonseed Oil*, and some other stuff... "What is the little asterisk for?" I wondered and searched the package only to discover that Partially Hydrogenated Cottonseed Oil is Retsin.
Posted by thom at 03:40 PM | Comments (0)

October 05, 2003

The Reverse Engineer

I saw School of Rock tonight. Two words: Fun Knee. Go see it. I also saw the trailer for the new Ben Affleck flick but, um, forgot the name of the movie. We were all too busy laughing when they said Affleck's character was a Reverse Engineer. We all kept expecting to see engineers doing the moonwalk.

In Other News: My new (used) laptop computer is now my new (used) broken laptop computer. It's pretty minor actually. The power cable developed a loose connection and I had been nursing it along by jiggling the cable. This morning I jiggled and noticed pretty little sparks. I didn't think the computer's insides would enjoy the sparks as much as I did so now my computer is off until I can get a replacement in a few days. I won't be picking up my e-mail until then.

Posted by thom at 12:43 AM | Comments (0)

October 02, 2003

Poor Choices in Luggage

After the sock incident I was thinking "Maybe I need to buy some distinctive luggage?" I am really, really glad I didn't.

In other news, I am perfeect all today! (and smell too!)

Posted by thom at 09:58 AM | Comments (0)

August 13, 2003

The Search for a Buxom CPU

"My CPU is okay, but it would be better with Boobies." Rummaging around my weblogs I discovered someone found my page as a result of a search for "AMD Boobies." Hours (okay, 2 minutes) of intensive research revealed a much more appropriate page for the query featuring this gem linking AMD Processors and Boobies:

Posted at 11:39 am on Aug 29th 2001 by Anonymous Gerbil

OK, here's a brainstorm (Listen up AMD ad executives)

We already have the great resource that is Britney's Guide to Semiconductor Physics.

Now take it a step further -- AMD hires Britney to appear on TV commercials explaining the MHz myth to the masses. We have the conflict between the public's short attention span vs. boobies. Boobies win every time. Problem solved, AMD sales skyrocket, and there is much rejoicing.

How much could it possibly cost? She already sells Pepsi. Alternately, if Anna Kournikove is done filming Lycos commercials, she would be an excellent fallback choice.

Can you imagine the headlines if AMD CPUs actually had boobies? Nerd burns hand feeling-up CPU. Sues AMD

Posted by thom at 02:27 AM | Comments (0)

August 01, 2003

Computer Crimes

My computer is engaging in illegal operations and I don't want to be an accessory to a crime so I would like you to come arrest it.

Posted by thom at 11:13 PM | Comments (0)

Random Links for Inquiring Minds

Here's a link explaining why unsolicited bunk e-mail is called spam. Why did I post that link? I just thought it was funny, I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!

I was surprised to learn that George Bush actually lives in Columbus, Ohio.

What do you get when you have sex with marshmellows and chocolate graham crackers? A S'more-gasm!

In case you've ever wondered, "Who is thom?" Here is your answer. The executive summary of thom follows:

thom is a one eyed depressed elf
thom is an award winning playwright and an experienced stage and tv actor
thom is too good for their webring
thom is a magician
thom is now available for a limited number of telephone consultations
thom is a writer
thom is an ok person
thom is all thumbs
thom is almost a "native" minnesotan
thom is undeniably an expression of the highest genius
thom is scottish
thom is pissed off at someone
thom is known for his development of catastrophe theory
thom is sexy
thom is not elayne's father
thom is still touching lives for the better
thom is smoking a cigarette
thom is a native of the lehigh valley and is therefore well known in music circles as a talented musician
thom is wearing a glass helmet on which the lyrics are reflected
thom is to be credited with the invention of the subject of archaeoastronomy and with a number of interesting observations and theories
thom is not available for any "walk around" work
thom is not the "watch how dangerous this is" type of sword swallower
thom is not confident of a good turnout
thom is the expert at keeping the temperamental machines running
thom is past president of the nevada veterinary medical association
thom is a nationally registered emergency medical technician
thom is a city of temples
thom is happy to be going home citing family reasons for the move
thom is son of the legendary merle travis and he learned from the best
thom is not shoving it down your throat or handing you a tract
thom is in front and then jonny and colin are behind him and them behind them are phil and ed
thom is one of the original "photographica" collectors in the country
thom is sailing on the ijsselmeer
thom is joined on the record by friends who represent the best in musicianship in ireland
thom is singing quite a bit more
thom is the ferocious frontman who puts everything he's got into his art
thom is the portland state female athlete of the week after leading portland state in kills both nights
thom is unclothed with no frontal nudity
thom is seen as a 'story teller' as opposed to the subject of the video
thom is behind all the good evil in this game
thom is getting into whiny attention
thom is proficient in many programming languages and will supervise the company's software development team and act as a liason between customers and developers
thom is huge
thom is surrounded by a wall eight metres high and twelve kilometres long
thom is the editor for the wayne county ny hog newsletter
thom is learning from some of the most influential thinkers of our time in several disparate areas of study
thom is training for the top bodybuilding title in the country
thom is back on the air
thom is exactly who he says he is
Posted by thom at 01:27 PM | Comments (0)

July 29, 2003

Is anyone reading this?

It seems to be a pretty common question on the web today. A quick search on google finds approximately 2,130 people asking the same question. I've only ever seen two comments and one e-mail from people I didn't know who somehow found my blog. A lot of blog writers say they wouldn't be writing if no one was reading what they wrote. I think they're lying. So for some of the curious 2,130 I offer the following feedback:

No, no, a plurality say no, definitely no, 100% certainly YES, um maybe, Oprah did, Volunteer Alligators read it, they should, they shouldn't, no, no, Magic 8 Ball says "Ask again later", I wouldn't exactly call it reading, only people on planet Yousloperad, just me, only fictitious people, no, no, no, and dude, no.

Finally, if someone replies then the answer is YES

Bonus Question: Is Kibo reading this?

Posted by thom at 03:53 PM | Comments (3)

July 28, 2003

The Adam Smith of Our Time

If you give a man a fish, you will feed him for the day. If you teach a man to fish, he will eat for a lifetime and generations beyond. Or you can lend a man a fish, in which case he will owe you a debt of gratitude - as well as the fish. And if you charge him a rate of interest, you'll have to send a loan shark after him.

Joe Frank, "Escape from Paradise"

Posted by thom at 12:21 PM | Comments (0)

July 27, 2003

Nerd Angst

Hello, my name is Thom, and I am a nerd. The past day or two I've been indulging my interests in the Scheme programming language and Unix/Linux at the same time with the very nice unix shell, scsh (SCheme SHell). While reading the documentation I stumbled across the following nerd-angst gem:

Who should I thank? My so-called "colleagues," who laugh at me behind my back, all the while becoming famous on my work? My worthless graduate students, whose computer skills appear to be limited to downloading bitmaps off of netnews? My parents, who are still waiting for me to quit "fooling around with computers," go to med school, and become a radiologist? My department chairman, a manager who gives one new insight into and sympathy for disgruntled postal workers?

My God, no one could blame me -- no one! -- if I went off the edge and just lost it completely one day. I couldn't get through the day as it is without the Prozac and Jack Daniels I keep on the shelf, behind my Tops-20 JSYS manuals. I start getting the shakes real bad around 10am, right before my advisor meetings. A 10 oz. Jack 'n Zac helps me get through the meetings without one of my students winding up with his severed head in a bowling-ball bag. They look at me funny; they think I twitch a lot. I'm not twitching. I'm controlling my impulse to snag my 9mm Sig-Sauer out from my day-pack and make a few strong points about the quality of undergraduate education in Amerika.

If I thought anyone cared, if I thought anyone would even be reading this, I'd probably make an effort to keep up appearances until the last possible moment. But no one does, and no one will. So I can pretty much say exactly what I think.

Oh, yes, the acknowledgements. I think not. I did it. I did it all, by myself.

Olin Shivers
September 4, 1994

Posted by thom at 12:03 PM | Comments (1)

July 18, 2003

"You want us to play where?"

General Custer's last soccer game.

Posted by thom at 10:51 PM | Comments (0)

July 11, 2003

Ah! So that's the catch...

Thank God I'm an idiot...

Posted by thom at 11:48 PM | Comments (0)

Some Friday Silliness!

Google has smiled upon me and made my page the number one result on searches for the term "The North American Man-Alligator Love Association". See my earlier post if you don't get the joke.

In a related item: Looking at my web logs I discovered I am also result #11 for searches on the term "blowjob goddess". That's a pretty good ranking considdering I just mentioned the phrase in passing a few days ago. I get the feeling I am going to have some very confused male visitors to my blog over the next few days.

Update: I would have thought I'd also rank high in the results for searches on "Alligator Blowjob Goddess" too, but I'm not even listed. My friend said, "It looks like you have way too much free time on your hands." Apparently.

Another Update: Tonight another friend said to me (paraphrasing), "If you could make money being an idiot, you'd be rich!" Unfortunately, George Bush already got the job.

Search Engines are popular with weird people.

Posted by thom at 09:24 AM | Comments (0)

July 04, 2003

Kangaroos Strike Back!

Beware of kangaroos looking for some payback.

In a completely unrelated item: Wildlife is now required to first seek building permits before any construction can proceed. If the beavers are fined $10,000 for not getting a permit they can probably borrow it from these guys.

If you need to fill out a job application then you should read this first.

I saw this item in the paper and thought it was serious. It's not true. Apparently, actually checking to see if a story is true or not isn't something news organizations do anymore. Too bad this story isn't true.

A sad sign of the times: No one knows what the Congressional Medal of Honor looks like - not even airport security guards.

With friends like these, who needs epitaphs? Actually, it sounds like it's perfect for this guy.

If you get bored you can search for stealth porn on ebay.

I was very disappointed to learn this isn't true. I am however intrigued by the "Secret Blowjob Goddess Society". All this blogging is making me tired. *YAWN*

Did you know that mustard and ketchup cause insanity?

Three words: Gross! Gross! Gross!

"Not everything is too weird to be true." Amen, brother. Amen.

p.s. They're watching you.

Posted by thom at 04:21 PM | Comments (0)

June 02, 2003


"Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not Mr. Lebowski. You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing."

I also miss my JPEG Baby very much, too.

Posted by thom at 10:21 AM | Comments (0)

May 25, 2003


I stumbled across my favorite ever Strongbad episode! Send me e-mail if you like it too. DELETED!

Posted by thom at 09:51 PM | Comments (0)

May 22, 2003

Strange Love and Precious Bodily Fluids

Christine Todd Whitman, the woman in charge of the Environmental Protection Agency resigned Tuesday, writing to President Bush that she wanted to "return to my home and husband in New Jersey, which I love just as you do your home state of Texas." She loves her husband like George Bush loves Texas? Odd...

Posted by thom at 02:53 AM | Comments (0)

May 21, 2003

Ode to a Four-Letter Word

Of all the words that start with the letter 'F' it's the only one called The F Word.

Posted by thom at 10:29 AM | Comments (0)

May 19, 2003

Nerd Poetry

Nerd Poetry is a beautiful thing.

Posted by thom at 11:05 PM | Comments (0)

May 09, 2003

eBay Kookiness

POOR Kitty! If you sell cereal and milk separately, I will bid! Otherwise, it will get soggy. When life gives you a lemon, put it on eBay and I will bid on it.

Posted by thom at 03:32 PM | Comments (0)

May 07, 2003

As Knowledge Approaches Zero

Scott Adams was right:

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that: "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time,

Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Metafilter is a very good web site. I found this refutation of the Dilbert theorem there too...

That's a cute theorem, though of course the trick is whether it's money incoming or outgoing. In the original equation, power = work/time, we're talking of power= work done/time expended (so the more power, the less time spent to do the same amount of work), so the next part is greater knowledge = more work done by spending less money, which still makes sense.

The conclusion would be that as knowledge approaches zero, the money you spend to get any work done approaches infinity - not the money you earn.

Posted by thom at 02:05 PM | Comments (2)

A Worker's Compensation

You're a cop, working your beat day in and day out. Rapes, murders and every sort of human cruelty fill your day. But nothing could prepare you for an attack by ravenous horny women!

Posted by thom at 01:29 PM | Comments (0)

Killing Business

Yesterday driving around town I saw a huge van for a local casket company. On the back of the van it said, "Please drive safely." Somehow I got the feeling they didn't really mean it...

Posted by thom at 10:05 AM | Comments (1)

May 06, 2003

The World's Youngest Cynic

Parents at the table next to me were explaining the concept of a sleepover to their three-year-old daughter. "You play all day, then you go to sleep, then when you wake up in the morning you get to play some more..." The little girl looked very concerned and even a little suspicious -- there had to be a catch somewhere.

Posted by thom at 10:49 AM | Comments (0)

May 03, 2003

Colors, Bend, and Tilt

I was cleaning up my apartment this morning and stumbled across the owner's manual for my LCD desktop monitor. Under a section titled Product Features and Caution it says the following:

1) Set the front of your monitor to face the east if possible. The colors, bend and tilt of the screen may change according to the installation direction

It never explains why the monitor likes to face east but I would assume this is true of LCD screens in laptops as well. My screen faces more northeast than due east but "the colors, bend and tilt" of my screen seem fine so I'm leaving it for now.

Posted by thom at 11:49 AM | Comments (0)

April 13, 2003

Ubi gubet ubit nubow

Ah ha! I know now how to speak UBBI DUBBI!

Posted by thom at 12:27 AM | Comments (0)

April 12, 2003

Who'd Steal a Buick?

Actor Sean Penn is looking for a new car, this after somebody stole his old one... and we do mean old! Police in Berkeley report somebody made off with the actor's 1987 Buick Grand National Tuesday while he was lunching in a Shattuck Avenue Restaurant. Besides looking for Penn's 16-year old Buick, they're also looking for the two handguns he had inside the car. Penn, who lives in Marin County, has a permit to carry the weapons

Sean Penn drives a 1987 Buick?

Posted by thom at 04:42 PM | Comments (1)

April 09, 2003

Bushisms of a New Generation

"In other words, I don't think people ought to be compelled to make the decision which they think is best for their family."
- George Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 11, 2002
Posted by thom at 02:47 AM | Comments (0)

Warm and Free can't be Bad, right?

In December 2001 three Georgian woodcutters discovered something strange in the woods - a metal cylinder a little bigger than a flashlight sticking out of the snow. They noticed it was warm and had melted the snow around it. They congratulated each other on their good fortune and took their new compact space heater home. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the smartest move but I'm sure it gets really, really cold there so you really can't fault them. When they got it home they discovered it did a great job heating the old shack. Heck, they didn't even have to plug it in! Perfect! Not really. What they found is called a radiothermal generator. The device had a large chunk of radioactive strontium 90 as its power source. Within hours the men suffered severe skin burns and internal organ damage. Two of the three were hospitalized for over 3 months. The lesson you should learn: Beware of magical space heaters.

Posted by thom at 01:53 AM | Comments (0)

April 02, 2003

Arm the Homeless

April Fool's Day is one of my favorite holidays. Imagine my delight when I discovered a site that detailed The Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time. A Classic. Unfortunately, I also discovered there is no such thing as Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers. So sad. Oh well, I still have my pet Tasmanian Mock Walrus.

Posted by thom at 11:42 AM | Comments (0)

March 26, 2003


Oh dear God, please please please let this be a joke!!!

UPDATE: The URL has gone stale. You missed the joke - so sorry.

Posted by thom at 12:26 PM | Comments (0)

March 23, 2003

In Search of: A Dwarf with a Big Axe

Referrer logs say the following searches thought my (or Paul's) page was a relevant match:

  • "What is the funniest true thing about penguins?"
  • "Dwarf with extremely big axe"
  • The ever-popular "fine naked butts" (or "groups of naked butts" even)
  • "darth maul naked" (also "Darth Maul porn". LucasArts should make a note of pent-up consumer interests like these)
  • "ben affleck cries like a baby" (hit paul's page I think)
  • "girls are wierd" (No Comment)
  • "amd boobies" (CPUs have boobies?)
  • "soapdish AND bathtub AND fix" (I bet they were disappointed by my page)
  • "accordionman" (But does he have a sidekick?)
Posted by thom at 08:45 AM | Comments (0)

March 22, 2003

Trained Monkeys Fly Out my Web Server

I heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago that I liked. I kept hearing it again and decided I liked it enough I wanted to buy the band's album. Unfortunately, I had never noticed what the song title was nor the band's name. So I start listening to the station where I heard the song the most only to discover that nowadays DJ's don't bother to tell you what song they just played. Ever. When did that happen? Okay, I'll just visit the KZSF website and look at their playlist. If you clicked the previous link you'll notice the page you get doesn't say "KZSF homepage", it says "KSJO - Proof that trained monkeys CAN run a website". Apparently their trained monkeys need more training. The page opens more pop-ups than a cheap porn site (not that I'd know about cheap porn sites, mind you). Luckily, I found another web site that explains the situation.

By the way, all I know about the song is it's a dance song with a female vocalist, she keeps singing "desperately" and "Just breathe" (or "just believe") over and over and someone told me the band's name starts with an E. If you know the song please let me know what the heck it's called and who does it.

UPDATE: Found the song! "Breathe" (duh) by telepopmusik. So much for the band's-name-starts-with-an-E theory. I asked the guy at Tower Records for help and when he figured out which song I meant he made this kind of slight "Ew, that music is so beneath me" expression. I just think the song is pretty.

Posted by thom at 10:46 PM | Comments (0)

March 20, 2003

Son of BBQ'ed Silicon

A while back I performed an involuntary experiment to find out what would happen if the CPU fan in my PC froze. These guys couldn't wait to find out so they just took the fans off their CPUs. Some cool pictures are included.

Posted by thom at 09:41 AM | Comments (0)

March 17, 2003

"Legs of Responsibility"?

Hey, folks... I don't make this stuff up. The actual quote is near the end of the story.

Posted by thom at 05:53 PM | Comments (0)

March 16, 2003

"Holy Dance Parties, Batman!"

Just caught part of "Batman, the one with Schwarzenegger." Boy, what a stinker. It reminds me of my review of the first Batman Movie: It had a good beat and was easy to dance to. Except the one I just watched didn't have a good beat nor did I ever feel like dancing.

Got letters from Sarah plus a call. I am far less grumpy now. I need to spend the afternoon replying.

Posted by thom at 01:35 PM | Comments (0)

March 15, 2003

Keeping You Safe with Pointless Digits

Today's poll at CNN.com: "Does the U.S. need another level in its terror threat advisory system?" 85% of you said NO! The other 15% were JOKING!

Personally, I believe we need a Terror Alert Advisory System that goes to 11. That will make it better than the other Terror Alert Advisory Systems that only go to 10.

Posted by thom at 08:11 AM | Comments (0)

March 03, 2003

Things to do when you're Dead

I read today that when I die I can have my remains shot in orbit. This would be good because then instead of coming to my depressing funeral you can go to my exciting blast-off. My other options are to get my head frozen or to hang with King Tut. While the "being shot into space" thing sounds kinda cool, I'd really much rather you just stick me in the ground somewhere nice and take a road trip to Las Vegas.

Posted by thom at 05:06 PM | Comments (0)

February 27, 2003

Andy Milonakis

I wish I were a kid again because with all the new-fangled toys kids have today I'd probably do something wierd like this...

UPDATE: This site is dead. I'm bummed

Posted by thom at 12:03 AM | Comments (3)

February 25, 2003

Why working with artists is fun!

While going through a bunch of old papers I found this masterpiece showing why employing artists can cause headaches for management-types. In this case, the assignment was to come up with a lovable mascot for a dot com biz. I think mascotty is pretty damn cute - management was not amused (okay, they briefly giggled but then pulled it together and scolded everyone for being silly).

Posted by thom at 05:10 PM | Comments (0)

February 16, 2003


I was looking at my weblogs the other day and stumbled across some gems. Apparently searching for 'paparazzi naked photos' hit my brother's site, but he was only 46th. Come on, Paul. If you want to be ranked higher in the 'paparazzi naked photos' search results you're going to have to mention 'paparazzi naked photos' alot more. You'll get even better ranking if you name some random links 'paparazzi naked photos'. Also, get other people to link to your website with 'paparazzi naked photos' as the link text, that'll boost your ranking for sure!

God only knows why, but apparently we showed up in a search for "Alligator Meat for Sale". For all you Alligator Lovers (I wonder if anyone will ever search for that? Members of The North American Man-Alligator Love Association maybe) let me say I've never killed a gator nor made gator flesh available for purchase. I have however eaten Alligator meat before, and if I had some "Alligator Meat for Sale" I'd probably charge quite a lot for it because it was pretty good.

If you check out my resume you'll notice I worked in the search engine business for a little while. I have a cute story I'll share with you from that experience. One of the programmers was working on a program to automatically classify and group hundreds of thousands of messages. As a test they fed it the alt.sex newsgroups to see what it could make of them. The program would spit out a list of the most important words that distinguished posts in the alt.sex news groups. The first two words were standard naughty words, but the third word on the list seems to sum up 99% of the posts: "Moron". I swear this is true.

Posted by thom at 05:56 PM | Comments (0)

February 03, 2003

Ms. Mash

Well, the blogger archive crap is STILL broken. Please shoot me now.

While dealing with it, I found an Official Un-Official Blogger FAQ that turns out to be pretty damn informative.

On the "Inside Movie-making Jokes" front I discovered the WILHELM Scream. It's amazing how many movies it's showed up in.

Slashdot ran a story the other day about municipal power companies providing high-speed internet service that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. Do the cable companies and telecoms welcome new competition? Of course not, silly! They try to OUT LAW it.

Here's an interesting story about "Smart Mobs" that I noticed. I also find this link while looking at this though I haven't really decided what it is. Of course, some people disagree there is such a thing as a "Smart Mob". Warren Ellis writes graphic novels (i.e. COMIC BOOKS, not porn) that use the theme too (apparently, I've never actually read his stuff).

I finally discovered Dave Barry's website and found this interesting link about the Animal Kingdom. Naughty Rhino!

I LOVE Strong Bad. Here's an interview with the creators of the madness.

Posted by thom at 06:56 PM | Comments (0)

January 17, 2003

How to Make Friends and Influence Penguins

Weird goings on at the zoo. This story keeps popping up in the local news. Sometimes I feel like I'm just swimming in circles too.

Posted by thom at 01:54 PM | Comments (0)