August 13, 2007
July 23, 2007
Oh, Monsieur!!!
"That guy needs a hug..."
It sounds a lot like the Wilhelm scream. Listen.
July 18, 2007
Leeloo Dallas Multipass
Just saw this article today about how The Fifth Element is one of the best sci-fi movies of all time and I have to agree. It leaves out two of my fave scenes though.
The first is when Korben Dallas is at the check-in to the flight to Fhloston Paradise explaining that he and Leeloo are newly weds and Leeloo is babbling about her about her multipass. Korben final shouts, "YEAH! She KNOWS it's a multipass!!! Anyway, we're in love..." The timing of the line is perfect and I can't do it justice here, you'll just have to watch it.
July 13, 2007
A Manson and a Yacht
I just stumbled across this old internet story...
The following telephone conversation took place:
Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.
Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.
Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?
Agent: I have my check book right here.
Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza man: I don't think so.
Click.
Turns out it is true.
July 07, 2007
July 01, 2007
June 09, 2007
Iggy Pop just might be God
Decades ago I found a note blowing around a parking lot that ended with "p.s. Iggy Pop just might be God". I'm still not sure about his divinity, but his band certainly has a good sense of humor...
April 06, 2007
November 24, 2006
August 30, 2006
Fabulous New Technology
Telemarketers. Don't you just wish you could waste their time without having to waste your time? Well, due to a technological breakthru, now you can! But you say, "How do I get myself one of these gadgets?" Luckily for you all you have to do is download The Telecrapper 2000. No salesmen will call.
Be sure to listen to the examples!
August 28, 2006
The Upside of Insomnia
I just couldn't let myself rest until I posted for your enjoyment a video of a baby panda sneezing. Now my work here is done.
August 10, 2006
April 25, 2006
Hawaii Five-O
I sincerely apologize for posting this link.
Hmmm, since I have already apologized you might not to watch this either. Avoid this one completely.
Finally, be careful! The electrons know you're watching!
April 20, 2006
Bad Places to Stand
I hope this guy went out and bought himself a lottery ticket right after this experience.
Student Body (Vice) President
A note to student body presidents everywhere: Relax man, it's a JOKE!
April 13, 2006
The Great Oracles of Our Time
theOnion was the first great seer of the new Millenium. And now MAD Magazine....
In our crass, vulgar society, product placement is everywhere. So what's keeping the federal government from selling out The Pledge of Allegiance?
Sure, it goes against everything our country was founded on — but, more importantly, if we list a bunch of products in the pledge, it'd make us a ton of money! Here's what you can expect...
iPod Allegra, Tootsie Fab, Fuji United Franco-American,
March 22, 2006
Free Entertainment
I want a magic wand too. And a SPACE SHIP!!!
p.s. Oooh, pretty.
February 18, 2006
tink, plunk, brrrr
A very cute computer animation with a bittersweet ending.
January 07, 2006
Tempbot
Are you comfortable? The film maker has some other fun shorts too.
November 03, 2005
Bouncy Balls
Ever wonder what it would look like if you took a million superballs and bounced them down a city street? Now you know.
July 23, 2005
Hot NASCAR Haters
New googlemaps application: HotOrNot + Google Maps. Which led me to the funniest HotOrNot profile I can recall:
May 23, 2005
Stunt City
Stuntmen live a different sort of life — even commuting to work is exciting.
In other news: Ooooo, pretty!
February 07, 2005
Late Night Nerd Humor
At 2:48am the following exchange occurred on the freenet #lisp irc channel:
gone_b: how is 64 bytes a multiple of 8k? mvilleneuve: it is, for sufficiently high values of 64
I just wonder if this will still seem funny in the morning. Probably not, but that's life.
The other night I dreamt I stole some donuts. I didn't really steal them per se since they were complementary, but I took more than I should have and felt guilty. They were very yummy and I didn't feel so guilty after eating them. Hopefully I can get to sleep tonight before sunrise. Maybe I will dream of hovercraft again.
January 28, 2005
Wishes
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,"That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Spotted on Digital Common Sense.
October 03, 2004
Chocolypse Now
The only good oompa-loompa is a dead oompa-loompa.
September 29, 2004
What's Not To Love?
A story from Erin, my favorite Malcontent:
T's son has discovered that he has a penis, and she shared the story with us. Apparantly one day he walked into the living room, stark naked as children tend to be, pointing at his penis. "Mommy? What's this?"
"Well, son," she replied, "that's your penis."
He then grabbed hold of it, grinned, and said, "I loooove it."
This poor child is probably going to have this story told to every girl he brings home from school for the rest of his young life.
September 26, 2004
Fabiolicious
Mark your calendars, girls!
To celebrate Fabio is having a contest!!! Fabio is "looking for 3-5 females ranging in age from approximately 17 to 45 to model Fabio’s fashions" so I guess I am disqualified. Winners will get to have lunch with Fabio. I advise all potential Special Ladies out there to hold out for dinner and a movie, at the very least.
September 10, 2004
World's Most Adorable Quadruped
What's blue and red, wears four shoes, and is the cutest thing you ever did see? You only need to download a 13 megabyte quicktime movie to find out!
Late Night Update: For your home movie fun I've just uploaded Destroy All Bubbles. And yes, it makes you a film nerd if you try to spot all the continuity errors.
July 30, 2004
Fido's Broken Heart
There is probably nothing more painful than canine infidelity. Well, for a dog. I thought the ad was funny, but was disappointed fido doesn't find a new love in the end.
While on the subject of commercials, here's one that encourages men to take up ballet.
July 23, 2004
Poor Gori-chan
Have you ever wondered if the creative juices of "reality" TV producers might be running dry? Fear not! The fountain of creative juices (or at least precious bodily fluids) still, um, spurteth over. The good news for busy potential fathers is that entering the race only takes a few minutes.
Grossed out yet? No?! Well, then the woes of sexually molested Tokyo pet owners should do the trick. I don't know about the average Tokyo-ite but "when an adult dog grabs hold of a human leg, [and] starts moving its back in a piston motion..." I think it's time for a trip to the vet.
July 09, 2004
Winnebago Pitchman
Having a bad day? Probably not as bad as this guy. Don't disturb what's left of his brain!
July 02, 2004
Sex & Math
I was checking my log files (yes, at midnight... my life is boring) and found I got a hit on a search for "sex and math". A quick check on Google uncovered this gem:
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Here's another cute joke which has nothing to do with math. Actually, that's not entirely true.
June 09, 2004
May 06, 2004
Viva la Fifi!
Apparently I missed the 2004 Kinetic Sculpture Race that took place back on May 1st. I guess it is sort of like Baltimore's answer to San Francisco's Bay to Breakers — except with less nudity. The two funniest named entries where the Cirque de Sore Legs and a tribute to Franz Kafka's The Metamorphisis named La Kafkaracha. Apparently La Kafkaracha had some difficulties in the aquatic section of the race. It is unfortunate that Kafka's story wasn't about a man who turns into a large waterbug. The most asthetically pleasing entry, in my opinion, was simply called Fifi. The story doesn't mention where Fifi placed in the race but I'm sure the sight of a 10 foot tall pink poodle inspired fear in the hearts of all who saw it.
(spotted on slashdot)
(Is anyone going to correct my (probably horribly incorrect) french?)
April 07, 2004
Pop Culture
I sense a new dance craze a'coming. This dance drives the women wild too...
March 28, 2004
Why I Blog
My blog is a priceless historical document in the making.
Update:
March 25, 2004
Ya Ya... Ha ha...
Save the Pinatas! Justin will make fart noises for your viewing pleasure. In other news, I feel GREAT! If you're not bored yet then watch this and try not to yawn. Finally, BEER!!!
If you're driving down the highway and suddenly discover your brakes are out then simply summon your Giant Robot. If you're walking around and suddenly realize you've left your watch on your dresser back home then simply consult the INDUSTORIOUS CLOCK. I saw a movie featuring a character who had a tail, but now through the miracle of the internet you can see REAL people with tails (warning: it's kind of gross). Speaking of movies, unless CASSHERN is released in the USA with subtitles I will be forced to travel to Japan and learn japanese. Well, that is it for now. While I'm gone entertain yourself by surfing on over to flashcube where I found almost all these links...
March 18, 2004
An Ode to Swearing
My personal favorite from the bunch: Buggeration. (Warning, this is not work-safe)
March 12, 2004
Farm Animal Porn
I was disappointed when my favorite farm animal porn site went legit, but I found a new site that features teddy bears, used motor oil, autoerotic asphyxiation, and ponies! I present to you: Farm Sluts.
Scary Movies
The Exorcist was a very scary movie. It would have been even scarier if it had been about possessed bunnies with huge white fangs!
For an intimate insight into the female mind don't miss Amy's Dairy.
March 10, 2004
Fresh off the Griddle
I want blueberries in mine! Go see them all!
March 06, 2004
The Golden Age of Oxymorons
A few months ago I heard a talking head on TV utter what I thought was a pretty funny oxymoron. The phrase he used was "Jobless Recovery" which was funny since I thought a ecomonic recovery was all about jobs. So I Googled "jobless recovery" only to discover economists didn't think it was an oxymoron — they used the term all the time! Over forty-five thousand times according to google. The term was invented to describe the sluggish recovery back during the early 90's.
But these are different times. Things are much better now. So much better that someone decided to invent a new term to describe how good things are. The new term to describe what we are experiencing is "Jobless Prosperity". Apparently we are all going to prosper without jobs! Maybe they mean only some people wil be jobless or maybe only some people will prosper. Maybe they mean both — I don't know, I'll have to do some more research on that one. In the meantime, call me a cynic, but I'm still going in for my interview for that new manufacturing job next week.
February 28, 2004
MAN-ifique!
"Perhaps the most insidious single group of publications is the cheap pocket book. In page after page of these so called novels sex organs, positions of intercourse, abnormal sex practices of every kind are described with intimate physical detail. Nothing is left to the imagination. An invitation is even extended to the reader to come join the fun! Teenagers particularly are liable to fold down the corners of the obscene passages. The more readily to dwell on them over and over and over again." You'll have to excuse me now. I need to, um, go do some me some reading.
While I'm gone you can download part 1 and part 2 of "Perversion for Profit".
Be sure to check out their archives of the SIGGRAPH Electronic Theatre!
February 05, 2004
Intercessions by Agitation
Or should it be Intercession by Agitations? Either way, the Internet Anagram Server* is fun!!!
January 26, 2004
Afternoon Quickie
The IKEA walk-thru for video gamers:
You start this world armed only with a UNIVERSAL FURNITURE-ASSEMBLY ALLEN WRENCH. This is the weakest weapon in IKEA: You will have to hit a person 16 times with it to kill them. So your primary goal in this level is to find more lethal means of dispatching your enemies.
As you enter the SHOWROOM, perform a rolling dodge to the left. Grab a free PAPER TAPE MEASURE and a handful of IKEA EMBLAZONED GOLF PENCILS from the kiosk near the entryway. The PENCILS serve quite well as ranged weapons, but it will take some time to master their use. Before venturing further in the world, stand at the kiosk and practice hurling GOLF PENCILS at patrons as they enter the SHOWROOM. Remember: Hitting the eyes does triple damage.
Oh yes, don't miss the Ping-Pong Ball Avalanche (320,000 ping pong balls!)
January 23, 2004
Eat Me
Something about this next link seems appropriate to post at 1am, even though it technically falls into the catagory of Afternoon Delights.
January 22, 2004
Random Silliness
paulthomorbirson.org -- "It always starts the same way..."
iPaulothom.org -- Wilhelm's Revenge
January 18, 2004
January 17, 2004
Silly Putty Man
Anybody want to help me buy some silly putty in bulk? Before dividing it up I figured I could sculpt a life-sized Silly Putty Man. E-mail me if you're interested.
In other news: Eric (who is no freak from a menagerie) has shared the joy of finding a where's george'ed dollar [SERIAL NUMBER A67774267B SERIES 2001]. The bill apparently started it's journey at the "WORLD FAMOUS" (but not net savvy) Stone Lion Tavern, the best dive bar in the free world. Eric, being only half a bee, was unable to enter the bill's new iinformation into the database (although strangely he was able to enter a comment here at iba). Despite this, I still love him semi-carnally.
January 13, 2004
Kind of... a Bummer
It started when I tracked down this song that I had heard a few weeks before. That was when I learned that it was inspired by Ellen Feiss who had given a testimonial as part of Apple Computer's switch ad campaign. People loved Ellen's story and, since this is the internet, fan sites immediately sprang up all over the place. There was also a rumor that she might have sparked one up beforehand. But it wasn't ganja she was on, it was Benedryl. There are some pretty funny parodies floating around. Ellen was invited to the Letterman show but turned it down. I was looking forward to seeing her being interviewed by Dave but I guess it'll never be. It is, as Ellen says, "kind of... a bummer."
UPDATE: It looks like Bill Gates did an iSwitch ad too!
January 11, 2004
Spelling Regrets
If only "interesting" was spelled with a 'Q' or a 'Z'...
My Scrabble© Score is: 32. |
January 06, 2004
Job Outlook: COLD!!!
Date: Mon Jan 5, 2004 10:50:25 AM US/Pacific
To: rmiug-jobs@yahoogroups.com
Subject: Open position
This is a contract position, with benefits, located overseas. Our headquarters are in Centennial, Colorado. Please apply only if you are qualified.
Responsibilities:
Supervise up to 3 persons. Establish the work schedules, ensure
proper tools and equipment are available, ensure safety and station
policies are met. Perform Structured Premises Cabling effort
toinclude: Entrance facilities, backbone, horizontal, work areas,
equipment rooms, telecommunications rooms, cross-connects-main,
intermediate, horizontal. Pull CAT5E, install connectors, test and
document. Pull fiber optic cable, install connectors, test and
document. Pull coax, install conectors, test and document. Install
low voltage components, ground and test in accordance with the
National Electrical Code. Splice cable. Perform fire stopping
activities as requiredd. Install patch panels. Perform other duties
as required.
Required Skills: BICSI certification
Special Work Environment:
PHYSICAL AND / OR OTHER SPECIFIC REQUIREMENTS: Deployment may be
required in this position at discretion of management. If required,
the individual in the position must successfully complete the
physical and dental examinations, and psychological examination for
winter-over positions, as required by the NSF for deploying to
Antarctica. Failure to meet these requirements may result in
withdrawal of employment offer or other employment action. Complies
with applicable safety, environment, health, and waste management
policies and procedure. US citizenship or permanent residency
required.
If you meet the requirements, please send your resume to gisso.welsh@usap.gov.
This is the perfect job if you love winter sports. I sent my resume to Mr Welsh before posting this. I'll post updates when I know more.
UPDATE: Despite my natural insulation and deep affinity for penguins I'm not really qualified for the position. It's a shame really - I hear Antarctica is a hedonist's paradise.
January 05, 2004
The Reverse Engineer, part deux
Sorry things here at iba have been so quiet but it's been more of a thinking kind of New Years than a writing kind of New Years.
I went to see Paycheck with my brother yesterday. I didn't have high expectations for the movie so I wasn't terribly disappointed when I walked out of the theater. The explosions were very good - the writing, directing, and acting were... well, let's just say if as much effort went into them as the explosions it would have been an excelent movie.
Before the movie came on I was looking at the ads they show on the screen. There was an anti-drug ad that said:
The basic ingredients for making methamphetamine can be purchased at local stores.
Don't support drug use!
I still can't figure out what the ad was trying to say. Was it saying that shopping at local, methamphetamine-ingredient-supplying stores promotes drug use? Does this make the local chamber of commerce drug lords?
December 31, 2003
The OTHER Tom Jones
Tom Jones was on the Leno New Years special tonight. Mom saw him and is convinced he isn't the Tom Jones she knows. It is impossible to sway her on this one - there is another Tom Jones "who is popular in Las Vegas" and the guy on Leno isn't him.
December 10, 2003
Owny Woo
Working in the tech biz these days means working with people from all over the world. People whose native tongue isn't english. People who are doing me a favor by learning my language in order to communicate. Thus I generally don't believe making fun of their accents is nice. But we're all human and sometimes it can be really, really funny. So today I will point my readers to Owny Woo. A double order of giggles smothered in date sauce.
December 07, 2003
A Coincidence in Dusseldorf
Roy Orbison walks inside my house and sits down on my couch. We talk urbanely of various issues of the day. Presently I say, 'Perhaps you would like to see my cling-film?'
'By all means.' I cannot see his eyes through his trademark dark glasses and I have no idea if he is merely being polite or if he genuinely has an interest in cling-film.
From the Odd Fetish of the Moment file I present Ulli's Roy Orbison In Clingfilm Website. Don't miss The Musical.
December 05, 2003
At Your Command, Baby!
My brother, Paul, really liked Battlestar Galactica [I would link to his entry about it but he doesn't believe in permalinks apparently. So I'll randomly link to this instead]. I did too since it was kinda like a new episode of Starwars every week (which was good since George Lucas has tried to stretch the series out over, well, my entire lifetime). He is also looking forward to the upcoming "re-imagining" of the series. I read this review tonight:
Creators of the Sci Fi Channel's forthcoming Battlestar Galactica miniseries promised that their "re-imagining" of the 1970s classic would be darker and grittier.
In Hollywood, that can only mean one thing: more sex.
"We realized the only way we could improve on the original is if the Cylons could have sex," quipped co-executive producer David Eick at Tuesday night's Los Angeles premiere. The chrome-domed "walking toasters" from the original TV series are succeeded by -- well, really hot blond chicks, who infiltrate human society to engineer its doom.
One of the newly humanized enemy androids, Number Six, is played by former Victoria's Secret model Tricia Helfer (so that's Victoria's big secret! -- we always knew there was a sinister purpose behind those ubiquitous catalogs). While in the throes of sex, her spine glows a luminescent, otherworldly, X-ray crimson.
I never found Cylons attractive in that way. If only I had known there were hot blonde aliens underneath all that chrome! [Maybe not - Ed.] I've already got the VCR programmed to record all the hot alien action.
UPDATE: Apparently the Starwars Universe is a hotbed of sexually active robots too.
December 03, 2003
The Thrill of Victory
I guess I missed this on ESPN but I just discovered tonight that the Trojan Games have just gotten underway over in the United Kingdom. I especially enjoyed the coverage (or lack thereof) of the Judo Semifinals. Everybody Wins! Female readers should note I am still searching for a Judo partner to begin training with for the next games.
If you are under 18 or easily offended you shouldn't click the above link and would best be served by pretending you never saw the previous paragraph. Instead, you should Click Here.
November 17, 2003
Puppies and Homemade Jerky
The other day I noticed someone had found my page with a strange search. It hit an old entry in my blog with some movie recommendations. Today I mentioned it to a friend and did a search on "Slutty Clown Groupie" only to discover Interesting by Association has captured yet another coveted first position in the google search results. Go me! Unfortunately, I also discovered someone else has the number one spot for "Slutty Clown Groupies" (the plural form). A different friend has suggested I try for the #1 spot on searches for "puppies AND homemade jerky" next. All I can say is: My Quest is begun.
November 07, 2003
Slutty Clown Groupies
Someone found my page while searching for "florence henderson naked". Yeah, right. Dream on, buddy.
October 23, 2003
Those Poor Deer!
I went to see Intolerable Cruelty today with my mom. After playing the trailers for the coming attractions they played an ad for Nextel mobile phones. It was the one where they describe building their national walkie-talkie service by attaching antennas to thousands (millions?) of deers' antlers and show images of frolicking deer complete with suitable radio gear. Halfway thru the ad I look over at mom and she has this very confused look on her face. I had to contain my laughter.
No, Mom, that's NOT how they did it.
October 17, 2003
My Secret Ambition
I found some random stuff that had collected dust on my palmtop that I wanted to clear out so I'm posting it here for posterity.
One of my friends had this as the only question in a philosophy exam: "Is this a question." (notice the lack of a question mark).
My friend answered, "Yes, if this is an answer?"
He got the highest grade.
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
-- Howard Aiken quoted by Ken Iverson quoted by Jim Horning, 1979
by Tony Shepps on Saturday August 10
(User #333 Info | http://cellar.org/)
When I was a kid I went around with a clipboard, asking people who were visiting the local municipal pool, "Why?" as if it were a survey question.
- About 40% answered "Why What?"
- About 30% answered "Because."
- About 20% answered "What?"
The rest either did not answer or became obstinate.
I also got rid of the day-glo colors for now. They might make a return at some point in the future. Do people care strongly one way or another?
October 14, 2003
Attack of the Hair Bunnies
I don't feel like writing today so I give you the following picture for your bemusement. Discuss amongst yourselves and come up with funny captions.
The morning after a bad Hair Gel binge
October 13, 2003
Flight of the Crayfish
When we were kids our dad got me and my brother into model rocketry. On weeknights he'd help us turn cardboard, balsa, and white glue into ships bound for the stars. On Saturday morning he'd take us out to Dribble Elementary School where the local rocketry club would help us launch them. It was loads of fun. Kids and rocketry go together like, um, well, a band of crazed monkeys with hammers and high explosives.
After a while simply launching rockets into the sky and running after them as they floated back to earth got kind of boring. Occasionally they would have egg-lofting contests where the objective was to launch an egg and recover it in one piece. Space exploration is a dangerous business (especially for an egg) and more often than not all the king's horse's and all the king's men couldn't help after the egg landed. Being kids we quickly lost interest. We wanted more - we wanted to launch a man into space like NASA did.
Unfortunately, the technology at hand (cardboard, balsa wood, and white glue) wasn't up to the task so we had to find an achievable goal. One Saturday watching wasps buzz around a trash can filled with empty soda cans we had an idea: We would be the first to launch a wasp into space. Heck, even he Russians launched a dog into space before attempting to send a human. This would be our Laika. Our stepping stone to even greater achievements.
Quickly a volunteer wasp was secured for the mission and we headed to the Range Safety Officer for launch clearance. He eyed the wasp in the rocket payload capsule not quite sure what to make of it. Finally he decided it didn't pose a hazard to anyone on the ground, saluted the brave wasp, and gave us the all clear.
On the pad the wasp waited patiently on the bottom of the capsule as we counted down to blast-off. 5... 4... 3... Suddenly, sensing something was amiss, the wasp started flying around the top of his capsule. 2... 1... IGNITION! The rocket rapidly accelerated and the wasp, flying around inside, didn't. He was quickly smushed against the bottom of the rocket. Laika the wasp never realized what hit him. The poor guy never even made it off the launch pad.
But we knew from NASA the important thing was to learn from these sorts of disasters. To pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and to try again. You can't let a setback set you back. We had failed to provide a proper life support system for our subject. It was a mistake that would not be repeated.
A few weeks later one of the kids showed up at the launch site with a crawfish in the nose of his rocket. The nose was filled with water for a crayfish life support system. Today the Range Safety Officer took a little longer to decide if he would let us attempt this one. He finally gave us the OK to launch but the expression on his face said, "This should be interesting."
With the rocket setup on the launch pad it was time to launch. The engine ignited properly and a bright flame licked against the pad. Burdened with the payload of crayfish and his watery life support system the rocket slowly, majestically, rose into the sky. The grace with which it moved reminded us all of the mighty Saturn V moon rocket. This was just like the real thing - it was to be our finest hour. "Houston, we have cleared the tower!" we all thought as it ascended off the pad. But only a few seconds later as we watched we realized, "Houston, we have a problem."
You see, balance is equally important as life support in rocketry and the water in the crayfish command module had thrown the rocket out-of-balance. Now, instead of flying straight up like a moon rocket it had assumed a trajectory more like that of a SCUD ground-to-ground missile. As the rocket reached its apogee we realized the mission was in trouble - it was heading straight for the chain-link fence at the edge of the school yard.
I don't want to describe the next few moments in detail, but the rocket did indeed hit the fence. Needless to say, both vehicle and crew were lost. We spent a few minutes on the grizzly task of recovering the bits of crayfish scattered at the foot of the fence. That was the end of the crayfish space program. We stuck to unmanned (uncrayfished?) flights after that. Still, being little boys and despite the tragic loss of life, we thought the whole experience was pretty cool. We had learned a lot. Well, not really but it was fun anyway.
UPDATE: Apparently our crayfish blazed a path for other crayfish to follow.
October 12, 2003
The Jesus of Sock Puppets
A search on Google for "Jesus" AND "Sock Puppet" returns about 1,530 results. This is a Great Moment for Interesting by Association because my web log is the #1 result for the search. It's odd that out of all the pages discussing Jesus and Sock Puppets that Google considders mine the most authoritative, but who am I to argue? I guess it's like they say: The Lord works in mysterious ways.
October 09, 2003
Fabio for Governor!!!
friend: I agree, so far I'd say you have a great taste in music but you could be listening to Celine Dion behind my back.
me: um... No... But I do own the Fabio CD (but only because I am a fan of unintentional self-parody)
I had heard samples of Fabio's album on the radio. It was bad. Really bad. Hysterically bad. I could almost see Fabio's voice coach cringing in the studio as I listened. I had to have it. I saw it in the bins at the record store - $17.95. Damn, maybe I didn't need it that bad.
I took a copy and carried it around the store as I decided exactly how bad I wanted it. Then I had an idea! Maybe they had a used copy cheap? I showed the manager the Fabio CD and asked if they had any in the used section. His reply:
"Oh no... We wouldn't buy that back."
Foiled! I sheepishly explained to him that I wasn't really a Fabio fan, I just thought it was funny but didn't really want to pay $17.95 for it. There was a brief pause as we both looked at Fabio's Mona Lisa smile on the cover of the album.
"How much do you want to pay?"
"Um, $12?"
"Sold."
In retrospect, I guess I probably could have talked him lower but I have no regrets (it's going for $20 used now). I walked out of the store with my new "Fabio: After Dark" CD and have never looked back.
Reviewer: Travis Miller from Shepherdstown, WV United States
Fabio (yes, that Fabio) stumbles through breathy soliloquies on romance, over an über-schmaltzy soft-porn beat that does not change throughout the entire CD. As if you hadn't guessed, his musings delve deep into the uncharted realms of corniness. No, seriously. However corny you're imagining it to be right now, think cornier. Nope, cornier than that. Nope, keep going. Now you're getting close.
Fabio's vision of romance sounds like the, uh, shower fantasies of the naive, overweight girl in high school that everyone threw food at in the cafeteria. Am I cruel for laughing at this? I hope not, because how can you NOT laugh at something like this excerpt from "Fabio on Films":
"I lahk to take a special lady to de cinema, where we can hold hands in the dark, and whisper very quietly about what we see. I wonder, would she kiss me like that? Will I always be the hero of her life? I wish there were more romantic films, because romantic films can lead to beautiful adventures ahfter we leef de theatre."
(don't forget the accent and the generic porn music, and the fact that Fabio takes a full minute and a half to luxuriously hamfist his way through these four sentences)
It's all such a ghastly car-accident of an album that it transcends into genius. It would make a great ironic gift for someone who appreciates that sort of thing.
Fabio's Amazon.com Sales Rank: 241,821
October 08, 2003
Election Humor
I forgot to blog this and this the other day when I saw them. Click and prepare to laugh. If no laughter ensues then loosen up already!
I am Minty Freshness
A while back I bought a pack of Certs (with Retsin!) At some point I was bored enough to read the ingredients: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Partially Hydrogenated Cottonseed Oil*, and some other stuff... "What is the little asterisk for?" I wondered and searched the package only to discover that Partially Hydrogenated Cottonseed Oil is Retsin.October 05, 2003
The Reverse Engineer
I saw School of Rock tonight. Two words: Fun Knee. Go see it. I also saw the trailer for the new Ben Affleck flick but, um, forgot the name of the movie. We were all too busy laughing when they said Affleck's character was a Reverse Engineer. We all kept expecting to see engineers doing the moonwalk.
In Other News: My new (used) laptop computer is now my new (used) broken laptop computer. It's pretty minor actually. The power cable developed a loose connection and I had been nursing it along by jiggling the cable. This morning I jiggled and noticed pretty little sparks. I didn't think the computer's insides would enjoy the sparks as much as I did so now my computer is off until I can get a replacement in a few days. I won't be picking up my e-mail until then.
October 02, 2003
Poor Choices in Luggage
After the sock incident I was thinking "Maybe I need to buy some distinctive luggage?" I am really, really glad I didn't.
In other news, I am perfeect all today! (and smell too!)
August 13, 2003
The Search for a Buxom CPU
"My CPU is okay, but it would be better with Boobies." Rummaging around my weblogs I discovered someone found my page as a result of a search for "AMD Boobies." Hours (okay, 2 minutes) of intensive research revealed a much more appropriate page for the query featuring this gem linking AMD Processors and Boobies:
OK, here's a brainstorm (Listen up AMD ad executives)
We already have the great resource that is Britney's Guide to Semiconductor Physics.
Now take it a step further -- AMD hires Britney to appear on TV commercials explaining the MHz myth to the masses. We have the conflict between the public's short attention span vs. boobies. Boobies win every time. Problem solved, AMD sales skyrocket, and there is much rejoicing.
How much could it possibly cost? She already sells Pepsi. Alternately, if Anna Kournikove is done filming Lycos commercials, she would be an excellent fallback choice.
Can you imagine the headlines if AMD CPUs actually had boobies? Nerd burns hand feeling-up CPU. Sues AMD
August 01, 2003
Computer Crimes
My computer is engaging in illegal operations and I don't want to be an accessory to a crime so I would like you to come arrest it.
Random Links for Inquiring Minds
Here's a link explaining why unsolicited bunk e-mail is called spam. Why did I post that link? I just thought it was funny, I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!
I was surprised to learn that George Bush actually lives in Columbus, Ohio.
What do you get when you have sex with marshmellows and chocolate graham crackers? A S'more-gasm!
In case you've ever wondered, "Who is thom?" Here is your answer. The executive summary of thom follows:
thom is an award winning playwright and an experienced stage and tv actor
thom is too good for their webring
thom is a magician
thom is now available for a limited number of telephone consultations
thom is a writer
thom is an ok person
thom is all thumbs
thom is almost a "native" minnesotan
thom is undeniably an expression of the highest genius
thom is scottish
thom is pissed off at someone
thom is known for his development of catastrophe theory
thom is sexy
thom is not elayne's father
thom is still touching lives for the better
thom is smoking a cigarette
thom is a native of the lehigh valley and is therefore well known in music circles as a talented musician
thom is wearing a glass helmet on which the lyrics are reflected
thom is to be credited with the invention of the subject of archaeoastronomy and with a number of interesting observations and theories
thom is not available for any "walk around" work
thom is not the "watch how dangerous this is" type of sword swallower
thom is not confident of a good turnout
thom is the expert at keeping the temperamental machines running
thom is past president of the nevada veterinary medical association
thom is a nationally registered emergency medical technician
thom is a city of temples
thom is happy to be going home citing family reasons for the move
thom is son of the legendary merle travis and he learned from the best
thom is not shoving it down your throat or handing you a tract
thom is in front and then jonny and colin are behind him and them behind them are phil and ed
thom is one of the original "photographica" collectors in the country
thom is sailing on the ijsselmeer
thom is joined on the record by friends who represent the best in musicianship in ireland
thom is singing quite a bit more
thom is the ferocious frontman who puts everything he's got into his art
thom is the portland state female athlete of the week after leading portland state in kills both nights
thom is unclothed with no frontal nudity
thom is seen as a 'story teller' as opposed to the subject of the video
thom is behind all the good evil in this game
thom is getting into whiny attention
thom is proficient in many programming languages and will supervise the company's software development team and act as a liason between customers and developers
thom is huge
thom is surrounded by a wall eight metres high and twelve kilometres long
thom is the editor for the wayne county ny hog newsletter
thom is learning from some of the most influential thinkers of our time in several disparate areas of study
thom is training for the top bodybuilding title in the country
thom is back on the air
thom is exactly who he says he is
July 29, 2003
Is anyone reading this?
It seems to be a pretty common question on the web today. A quick search on google finds approximately 2,130 people asking the same question. I've only ever seen two comments and one e-mail from people I didn't know who somehow found my blog. A lot of blog writers say they wouldn't be writing if no one was reading what they wrote. I think they're lying. So for some of the curious 2,130 I offer the following feedback:
No, no, a plurality say no, definitely no, 100% certainly YES, um maybe, Oprah did, Volunteer Alligators read it, they should, they shouldn't, no, no, Magic 8 Ball says "Ask again later", I wouldn't exactly call it reading, only people on planet Yousloperad, just me, only fictitious people, no, no, no, and dude, no.
Finally, if someone replies then the answer is YES
Bonus Question: Is Kibo reading this?
July 28, 2003
The Adam Smith of Our Time
If you give a man a fish, you will feed him for the day. If you teach a man to fish, he will eat for a lifetime and generations beyond. Or you can lend a man a fish, in which case he will owe you a debt of gratitude - as well as the fish. And if you charge him a rate of interest, you'll have to send a loan shark after him.
July 27, 2003
Nerd Angst
Hello, my name is Thom, and I am a nerd. The past day or two I've been indulging my interests in the Scheme programming language and Unix/Linux at the same time with the very nice unix shell, scsh (SCheme SHell). While reading the documentation I stumbled across the following nerd-angst gem:
Who should I thank? My so-called "colleagues," who laugh at me behind my back, all the while becoming famous on my work? My worthless graduate students, whose computer skills appear to be limited to downloading bitmaps off of netnews? My parents, who are still waiting for me to quit "fooling around with computers," go to med school, and become a radiologist? My department chairman, a manager who gives one new insight into and sympathy for disgruntled postal workers?
My God, no one could blame me -- no one! -- if I went off the edge and just lost it completely one day. I couldn't get through the day as it is without the Prozac and Jack Daniels I keep on the shelf, behind my Tops-20 JSYS manuals. I start getting the shakes real bad around 10am, right before my advisor meetings. A 10 oz. Jack 'n Zac helps me get through the meetings without one of my students winding up with his severed head in a bowling-ball bag. They look at me funny; they think I twitch a lot. I'm not twitching. I'm controlling my impulse to snag my 9mm Sig-Sauer out from my day-pack and make a few strong points about the quality of undergraduate education in Amerika.
If I thought anyone cared, if I thought anyone would even be reading this, I'd probably make an effort to keep up appearances until the last possible moment. But no one does, and no one will. So I can pretty much say exactly what I think.
Oh, yes, the acknowledgements. I think not. I did it. I did it all, by myself.
Olin Shivers
Cambridge
September 4, 1994
July 18, 2003
"You want us to play where?"
General Custer's last soccer game.
July 11, 2003
Some Friday Silliness!
Google has smiled upon me and made my page the number one result on searches for the term "The North American Man-Alligator Love Association". See my earlier post if you don't get the joke.
In a related item: Looking at my web logs I discovered I am also result #11 for searches on the term "blowjob goddess". That's a pretty good ranking considdering I just mentioned the phrase in passing a few days ago. I get the feeling I am going to have some very confused male visitors to my blog over the next few days.
Update: I would have thought I'd also rank high in the results for searches on "Alligator Blowjob Goddess" too, but I'm not even listed. My friend said, "It looks like you have way too much free time on your hands." Apparently.
Another Update: Tonight another friend said to me (paraphrasing), "If you could make money being an idiot, you'd be rich!" Unfortunately, George Bush already got the job.
Search Engines are popular with weird people.
July 04, 2003
Kangaroos Strike Back!
Beware of kangaroos looking for some payback.
In a completely unrelated item: Wildlife is now required to first seek building permits before any construction can proceed. If the beavers are fined $10,000 for not getting a permit they can probably borrow it from these guys.
If you need to fill out a job application then you should read this first.
I saw this item in the paper and thought it was serious. It's not true. Apparently, actually checking to see if a story is true or not isn't something news organizations do anymore. Too bad this story isn't true.
A sad sign of the times: No one knows what the Congressional Medal of Honor looks like - not even airport security guards.
With friends like these, who needs epitaphs? Actually, it sounds like it's perfect for this guy.
If you get bored you can search for stealth porn on ebay.
I was very disappointed to learn this isn't true. I am however intrigued by the "Secret Blowjob Goddess Society". All this blogging is making me tired. *YAWN*
Did you know that mustard and ketchup cause insanity?
Three words: Gross! Gross! Gross!
"Not everything is too weird to be true." Amen, brother. Amen.
p.s. They're watching you.
June 02, 2003
Dude!
"Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not Mr. Lebowski. You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing."
I also miss my JPEG Baby very much, too.
May 25, 2003
DELETED!!!
I stumbled across my favorite ever Strongbad episode! Send me e-mail if you like it too. DELETED!
May 22, 2003
Strange Love and Precious Bodily Fluids
Christine Todd Whitman, the woman in charge of the Environmental Protection Agency resigned Tuesday, writing to President Bush that she wanted to "return to my home and husband in New Jersey, which I love just as you do your home state of Texas." She loves her husband like George Bush loves Texas? Odd...
May 21, 2003
Ode to a Four-Letter Word
Of all the words that start with the letter 'F' it's the only one called The F Word.
May 19, 2003
May 09, 2003
eBay Kookiness
POOR Kitty! If you sell cereal and milk separately, I will bid! Otherwise, it will get soggy. When life gives you a lemon, put it on eBay and I will bid on it.
May 07, 2003
As Knowledge Approaches Zero
Scott Adams was right:
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that: "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time,
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
Metafilter is a very good web site. I found this refutation of the Dilbert theorem there too...
That's a cute theorem, though of course the trick is whether it's money incoming or outgoing. In the original equation, power = work/time, we're talking of power= work done/time expended (so the more power, the less time spent to do the same amount of work), so the next part is greater knowledge = more work done by spending less money, which still makes sense.
The conclusion would be that as knowledge approaches zero, the money you spend to get any work done approaches infinity - not the money you earn.
A Worker's Compensation
You're a cop, working your beat day in and day out. Rapes, murders and every sort of human cruelty fill your day. But nothing could prepare you for an attack by ravenous horny women!
Killing Business
Yesterday driving around town I saw a huge van for a local casket company. On the back of the van it said, "Please drive safely." Somehow I got the feeling they didn't really mean it...
May 06, 2003
The World's Youngest Cynic
Parents at the table next to me were explaining the concept of a sleepover to their three-year-old daughter. "You play all day, then you go to sleep, then when you wake up in the morning you get to play some more..." The little girl looked very concerned and even a little suspicious -- there had to be a catch somewhere.
May 03, 2003
Colors, Bend, and Tilt
I was cleaning up my apartment this morning and stumbled across the owner's manual for my LCD desktop monitor. Under a section titled Product Features and Caution it says the following:
It never explains why the monitor likes to face east but I would assume this is true of LCD screens in laptops as well. My screen faces more northeast than due east but "the colors, bend and tilt" of my screen seem fine so I'm leaving it for now.